Wednesday, May 14, 2014

My God, My God… Where Are You?

Cindy Colbert; Co Bear; CoBear Photography; Jesus; My God; christian; creek; cry; dispair; hopeless; hurt; illinios; lost; nebo; pain; pray; prayer; spiritual

My God, My God... Where Are You?
Have you ever had one of those days? Maybe lots of those days? I have...

And Yet In Spite Of Bad Stuff... I'm Probably About The Happiest Person I Know. Seriously! :-)
Not because I've never experienced anything bad or because I don't... To name a few:

Raped, Molested, Beat, Hurt, Rejected, Anxious, Depressed, Lost, Angry, Hopeless, Confused, Afraid, Drunk, Drugged, Divorced, Broken, Didn't Want To Live, Experienced Heartache & Pain To The Very Depths Of My Core.....

And Yet… Because He Lives, I Can & Do. So Can You!

Just recently I had another one of those day(s). Several days to be more exact. "My God, My God... Where are you?" My heart cried. Note these recent days of torment weren't nearly as painful as the above to be sure, but still... I was un-done and having a downright inner painful fit.

You see we'd just recently returned to Nebo, IL after spending the winter in Florida and I did NOT want to be here. Don't get me wrong, I Love Nebo people but... I was crying out, "Anywhere but here Lord" because:
  1. It's to close to the deepest pain I've ever known or experienced and that pain was still grieving my heart furiously... and there was absolutely nothing I knew to do that could resolve it. This pain... Only God could resolve... and He wasn't moving.
  2. It felt as if my photography dreams were slipping further and further away. I mean really... It's hard enough to make a living as a photographer... but "Seriously God, in the middle of no where mostly poverty stricken Nebo land... where making any wage let alone a decent photography wage isn't just hard, it's super hard."
  3. 4. 5... I had lots of reasons for not wanting to be here...
But... as many reasons as I had for not wanting to be here, there were even more reasons to be... I Knew it, I just didn't like it and found myself becoming more and more down about it all.

I spent the first week back in Nebo re-making our Co-Bear Photography sign, hung it up... and then in mid April in anger, depression and utter desperation I walked to the creak literally bawling my eyes out... and then... began crying out to God... Now What? Where are you? What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do? I had a full out complete what I refer to as 'Coming Apart'!

And then I sat there... and cried, and sat there longer. The photo above is not real time but rather a slight re-enactment of how hideous I must have appeared in that moment. And then... then the wind began to blow... ever... so... gently.

The Spirit of God began reminding me of His calling for me, my true purpose, my passion, my inner dreams and hearts desires... And then He reminded me of my testimony and that He'd asked me years ago to begin sharing it and to write a book containing it so that others might be helped through it. With clenched fist I raised it to the sky and said, No. No God, you know I can't do that yet. Sure I could write part of it but my heart hurts to bad... there's a huge wide open gaping wound you've yet to resolve and heal... and God I won't do it... I can't... not until you've done what I am not able to do.

Even more frustrated then before, I pulled myself up out of the creek and walked back to the RV pondering... wondering... hoping... praying... still wrestling with the Spirit of God. Finally, I simply told God, that I didn't know how even He could do it, but that I was choosing to continue to trust Him in Jesus Name that somehow, someway, someday He not only could but that He would do what was only possible for Him, that He'd bring healing to the most broken crushed part of my heart... and that once He'd done His part, I'd do mine. And then I left it in His hands.

I spent the next week doing the only thing I knew to do... 'Praise Him In The Storm'. I went on lots of praise walks (walks where I do nothing but praise Him). Confused and hurting... but choosing to trust and praise Him anyway.

Less than a week later... when I least expected it, in a way I never ever dared to imagine would or could possibly happen... God Moved. The wound of course is still there, the pain still hurts, but God is faithful and in a split instant He not only did what I thought was impossible, He was able to change the direction this particular pendulum had swung for so far and for so long, He stopped the knife thrust that had been cutting me so deep and began pouring His healing salve on my raw torn ripped to shreds heart. True the further a pendulum swings in one direction... the longer it takes to swing back the other way... but swinging back the other way it is... and for that all I can say is: Thank You Jesus! Hallelujah!

And so... With all that said... I'm committed, No... I am compelled... by the Love of God to begin writing that book for Him, for you... now more than ever to follow wherever He leads! LoL... I have no idea how to write a book, but again and again He's proven Himself trustworthy and faithful throughout my life... I trust He'll give me the words to say and to write and guide me to the right people to do whatever it is He wants to do through this vessel in which He Lives. :-)

Will I still be doing photography? Of course :-) My camera is practically a body part, an extension of who I am. But now I know why I'm in Nebo where there's not as much photography work to do... in Nebo I'm photographing, healing, praising & writing. In Nebo I am totally abandoned to Him! :-)



Today, If your struggling with life, If your having one of those days…
  • I pray you'll choose to 'Praise Him In The Storm'…
  • I encourage you to seek His Face…
  • I implore you to become totally abandoned to Him…
  • If you have no idea what I'm talking about & would like to, please do ask. I"m more than happy to share!
  • I leave the following video to help you along your way.
  • Please, Feel free to comment below or email me privately via the contact page if I can be of any help whatsoever for you.


Wishing You Love, Hugs & Laughter In Abundance,
Cindy Colbert ~ Co-Bear Photography
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4 comments:

  1. Cindy I am not even sure how I got your post in my email this morning...but God knows. I too have had a rough road and feel like I have a book in me, I have shared my testimony but feel I need to do it more. I just don't know how to go about it. Your writing is an encouragement to me to just keep calling to God and asking Him to show me the way. We are in Branson and if you ever get this way I would love to connect with you.

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    1. Hi Ali! I'm not on google + yet but as soon as time permits I'll try to figure it out & join. I'm honored the post encouraged you & hope to meet you on the road one day. No idea when or if we'll be near Branson but if so we'll look you up… and if your this way please do give us a shout so we can meet up. God Bless your writing for His Glory!

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